Freedom in Exile
by Symphony In Blue
Summary: Snapshots from Ruth's diary during her time spent in exile. Expressing her hopes, fears, pain and frustrations about everyday life, and about feeling torn between two men.
1. Chapter 1

**A while ago I started thinking about how Ruth would have coped with her exile and how she rebuild her life when she lived on Cyprus. That's why I've decided to write her diary, because I thought it would have been a great way for Ruth to deal with the problems she encountered and to express all the emotions which she surely must have been feeling. I won't be writing a day-to-day account of her life, but it'll be more like excerpts from her diary. I'll stop now, before the author's note becomes longer than the actual diary entry.  
I borrowed the title from the autobiography of His Holiness the Dalai Lama, because I thought it fitted nicely.**

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14 November, 2006

I went on a date with George again yesterday. I think this could count as our second official one, though technically it should be our third. But then again, having an accidental lunch together at the hospital cafeteria doesn't count as a date, does it? Oh I don't know, I suppose I'm so out of the loop where dating is concerned that I no longer know which is which. I can't believe I'm even doing this in the first place.

It's been 8 months since I left and I've coped really well if I may say so myself. Yes, I do miss home, but pining for a country I'll probably never see again isn't really the way forward. I need to focus on what the future has to offer me, and the way things are going at the moment, I suspect that George might be included in that future. I do miss everyone I left behind, especially him…

Still, I can't complain. Life is quiet, it's simple. I go to work, do my job, then I go home. No shocking aftermath, no traumas to work through. I just close the office door behind me and that's that. I love going to the local market for food. At first they were all fascinated by the 'Englishwoman', but now they're all used to me. They no longer answer me in English when I address them in Greek. I'm one of them now.

I love my home, too. It's small, but there's more than enough room for one person. Sadly I've no garden, but the view from my balcony more than makes up for that. I don't think I've ever seen a sea quite as blue as this one. I love it.

**TBC**


	2. Chapter 2

**A big thanks to everyone who has reviewed the first chapter. Again a bit of a short entry here, but I'm hoping to write some longer ones soon!**

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22 November 2006

These days I have so much free time that I hardly know what to do with it. I go swimming quite a lot, something I never had time for in my old life. I love how outdoors life on Cyprus is. Nobody stays indoors, unless it's raining, or in the middle of summer when it's really too hot to be outside.

It's a very social, tight knit community here in Polis. Everyone knows each other, and it's hard not to get sucked into the community spirit. I managed to stay on the sideline for the first couple of months, but there's no escaping it now. I'm normally a very private person, but I have to admit that I rather like it. It's a good distraction, and it does help me settle into my new life much more easily.

And then there's George. He's a good and kind man, and really quite handsome too. I can't say I have got feelings for him, other than pure platonic ones of course. But who knows, perhaps I'll develop other feelings for him at some point. For now I think things are good just the way they are. I'm not sure if this is what they'd call a 'rebound' thing, but it feels good and makes me happy, so I don't really care. For once in my life I'm being selfish, and I can't say I feel guilty about it. And even if all of this leads to nothing substantial, I'm sure George and I will remain close friends.

He's very family oriented, someone you can trust and rely on. He's told me all about his son, Nico, who's 8. His ex left him when Nico was still a baby. He hasn't seen or spoken to her in over 4 years. I was shocked when he told me this. What kind of woman would leave her own child? He's lucky to have such a loving, devoted father though. I've not met Nico yet, but hopefully I will soon. If he's anything like his father I'm sure I'll like him very much.

**TBC**


	3. Chapter 3

_Again many thanks for the lovely reviews, I really appreciate every single one of them :)_

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30 November 2006

Today was a busy day at work. One of my colleagues has been off sick for the past three days, so I've been taking on her work as well as my own. I don't mind doing it, not really. Work is easy these days. It mainly consists of typing up medical reports from doctors, and making sure that everything's marked and filed properly. Piece of cake compared to what I used to do. It's doing wonders for my nerves as well. Though I can't help but think that it is a bit boring sometimes.

I suppose it's because work's no longer challenging, like it used to be. I loved being an analyst. Trying to scramble together all sorts of information and then piecing them together like a giant jigsaw puzzle. It's what I do best, and I never grew tired of it. Of course the job had much greater downsides than this one. I lost so many dear friends along the way. It's better to be bored occasionally than to mourn the loss of yet another fallen colleague. So I suppose occasional boredom is the price I have to pay for my quiet, simple life.

x

Yesterday George took me to see his house. It's situated a bit higher up the mountain outside Polis, and it's got the most breathtaking view over the sea I've ever seen. It's a dream house. Just perfect, with a beautiful garden all around it and a swimming pool.

And I finally got to meet Nico. He's a lovely little boy with black hair and the biggest brown eyes I've ever seen. I wanted to speak Greek with him, but he refused. He was so excited to have someone to practice his English with. And I must say his English is really good, especially considering that he's only 8 years old. We had lunch at the house, and afterwards we sat on the patio for ages and we just talked about everything and nothing. It was a bit chilly that day, but Nico insisted on going into the pool. I was afraid he would catch a cold, but George reassured me that he always did this, and that he'd be fine.

It was a nice day. I can't remember the last time I felt this happy and relaxed. I just hope that there'll be many more days like this to come. That day I really felt like I belonged somewhere, and it made me feel happy and content. It may not be the kind of life I'd ever imagined I would have, but it'll do just fine for now.


	4. Chapter 4

_Quick update before decides to die on us again. Longer chapter this time, hope that will make some people very happy :)_

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27 December 2006

I have spent my first Christmas on Cyprus. And it was a good one. George invited me to spend the holidays with him and his family, an invitation which I happily accepted, because Christmas just isn't a time to be by yourself. George's parents are both deceased, so the holidays are always spent at the house of his oldest sister, Tina. She's married to Stelios, and they have two little girls. Eleni is 10 and Kaiti is 4. Then there's his second sister, Katia. She's divorced and has one son, Kostas. And then there's Lena, who lives in Athens and always flies over for the holidays. She's not married and doesn't have any children. George is the youngest sibling, and always have to endure endless teasing from his sisters, which is very entertaining for the rest of us to watch.

Christmas was just as Christmas ought to be spent. It was all focussed on spending lots of time together, and it made me feel very warm and loved. I really enjoyed spending time with George's family. His sisters are such lovely women and they made me feel right at home.

On Christmas Eve we all went to church. Of course I'm not Greek Orthodox, but that didn't matter at all. The Greek church is open to everyone, and they're very inviting. It was a wonderful and new way for me to spend Christmas Eve, and I loved every minute of it.

Christmas day was spent in and around Tina's house, just eating, talking, and playing games. Here the children don't get their presents until 6 January, so we'll all have to come back to Tina's house for that. Sadly Lena won't be able to stay until then. She'll fly back to Athens after New Year's because of work commitments.

George really seemed to like having me around all these days. We all slept at Tina's house, because it would seem such a waste of time to drive home again in the middle of the night, only to return the next morning. On the one hand I liked the domesticity of it all, but it scared me as well. I'm not ready for any kind of commitment, and I really hope that George isn't getting his hopes up. I don't want to hurt his feelings, but for now I really want things to stay exactly the way they are.

I do suppose that you could call what we have a relationship, but I fear that he takes it a lot more seriously than I do. Sometimes I really hate the way I feel, and I really wish that the rational part of my brain could just take over altogether. But they're my feelings, and I can't switch them off, no matter how hard I try. George is so good to me, and I know that at the moment he is the right person for me to be with. Of course I wish I could be back home, there's nothing I want more. But I can't, and that's something I still haven't really digested properly. I so wish I could be with Harry. Rejecting him for fear of a bit of water cooler gossip seems so insignificant right now. It was stupid of me. But perhaps, in retrospective, it's better that it ended before it even begun. I can't imagine how difficult our parting would have been otherwise…

And this is exactly what I shouldn't be doing. I shouldn't ponder the possibilities of how my life would've been if things had worked out with Harry. In fact I shouldn't be thinking about him at all. I know I'll never see him again, and that's something I have to start facing. I can never go back, and I need to keep telling myself that, no matter how painful that is. I need to stop looking at the past, and focus on the future, because right now that's all I have left.

This will be my one and only resolution for the new year.

**TBC**


	5. Chapter 5

_Thanks for the lovely reviews again, keep them coming :)_

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4 February 2007

The weather's been awful these past couple of days. George and Nico are on a short holiday to Athens to visit George's sister Lena, so when I'm not at work I spend most of my time at home. It just doesn't seem to stop raining, which ironically is very appropriate for my current mood. I'm trying to stay positive throughout all of this, but on days like these it's hard.

Next month it'll be one year since I left. A whole year since all of this started. I know I shouldn't, but I still yearn for my old life. Some days it seems like only yesterday that I was last on the Grid, yet on other days it feels like it was a lifetime ago. I often think about my friends and colleagues, about how they are and what they're doing. And, awful as it might sound, if they're still alive and well.

I thought I'd change and become a different person here in this new life. But oddly enough I'm pretty much the same person I've always been. I used to think my nervousness was due to the pressure I was under at work, but it turns out that it's just me. I'm under no pressure whatsoever here, but still I'm nervous at times. Or perhaps that's not the right word. I'm restless, that's what it is. There aren't enough things here to challenge me. Life is quiet, too quiet to my liking. Which is odd, because I expected to like the quiet life. And I do, sometimes. But not always.

And I'm still as clumsy as ever. Yesterday I bumped into a colleague at work and dropped a whole pile of files. We picked them up together and laughed about it, but it wasn't until I got back to my office that the realisation hit me. The files I dropped when I stumbled into the meeting room on the Grid for the first time. It was practically in the same manner. I remember being so excited about that first day. All I ever wanted was to join MI5, but at the time I had found it all rather exciting and nothing else. I was quite naïve then. If only I'd known then what life would have in store for me. Perhaps I wouldn't have done it then. Although, I probably would have. Judging by my almost childlike optimism and cheerful disposition in those days, I would've taken that job no matter what anyone had told me. How times have changed.

Perhaps I should stop trying to analyse my thoughts and feelings so much, especially when the weather's like this. It's making me a bit too melancholic for my liking.

Tomorrow I'm heading into town to pick up some books. I've decided that I need to challenge my brain and keep it active, which is why I've decided to try and teach myself Russian. It's a language that I've always wanted to learn, so I'm going to give it a try. I know it would've been more useful in my old life than it is now, but at least it'll be something to keep me busy.

Time for some more tea now, so very English. That's one part of me that will never change.

**TBC**

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I was thinking about how Ruth all of a sudden became the "Russia expert" in series 9, even though that was never mentioned before. So I figured that perhaps she taught herself Russian, just as she taught herself Persian (according to the Personnel Files).  
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	6. Chapter 6

_I keep repeating myself, but thanks again for all the lovey reviews. They really make my day!_

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9 April 2007

Yesterday was Easter Sunday. Greek orthodox Easter celebrations aren't normally at the same time as ours, but this yeah they both happened to be on the same day. On Saturday evening we all went to church, and at midnight there were fireworks to announce that Christ has risen. The meal on Easter Sunday was a real treat. George's entire family had come over for the festivities, and the whole house seemed to be laden with food. It's tradition to have a whole roasted lamb, which George and his brother in law spent most of the morning preparing outside on the patio. In addition there were a variety of salads, vegetable dishes, plates of seafood, and rice. And of course alcohol, and lots of it. Wine, ouzo, home brewed raki, the lot. I don't think I've ever seen so much food and drink together in one house. The atmosphere was great though. Everyone ate, drank, and chatted, and that was basically it. Nobody felt the urge to do anything more productive than that.

By nightfall everyone started to go home. The house wasn't really a mess, but I decided to stay behind anyway and help George clean up. After restoring the house to a somewhat clean and tidy state we collapsed on the sofa, unable to move, due to fatigue and the fact that we'd eaten way too much.

Nico soon came to sit on my lap, something he's started to do more often lately. He asked me to tell him about what Easter is like in England, and if it's very different from the way in which they celebrate it. I'd barely been talking 5 minutes when I noticed that he had fallen asleep, his head resting against my shoulder. I can barely put into words how much that meant to me. At that moment I suddenly realised that this is what's missing from my life. Someone to love, or more specifically, a child to love. I've so much love to give, and thanks to Nico I'm finally able to do so. That moment was one of the few in which I felt completely calm and at ease, and very content.

I looked up and noticed George was staring at me, and he was smiling. When I saw the look in his eyes I suddenly realised how much he loved me. This makes me happy and sad at the same time. Happy because it's something that I haven't experienced very often in my life, and sad because I know that I cannot reciprocate his feelings. Sometimes I wonder if it would be better to end our relationship and just be friends. But I know it would break his heart if I ended it, so I won't. Although, I'm sure it would break his heart, too, if he knew that I didn't love him. Well, of course I love him, but I'm not _in love_ with him. Though I know that he is in love with me.

I know I should really stop complaining. I've been taken in by this lovely, warm, readymade family, and I'm loved by them. What more could I possibly want? I'm living a comfortable life, and I am genuinely happy. So I still live in hope that someday, I might just fall in love with George after all.

**TBC**

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I googled it, and apparently our Easter and Greek Orthodox Easter really did fall on the same day in 2007, and they will again in 2011!  
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	7. Chapter 7

_Up to chapter 7 already. No idea how I'm managing this with my uni workload, but there you go. Again many thanks for all the kind reviews, they mean so much to me! X_

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30 April 2007

It was my birthday yesterday. I can't believe I'm 37 already. Not that I have this desperate urge to stay young, but it just feels like only yesterday that I turned 18. And now I'm more than twice that age. George and Nico showed up at my flat yesterday morning with a cake. Nico sang happy birthday for me in English, without making one single mistake. He was very proud of himself for that. In the afternoon we all went to the beach. George's sisters and their families were there too, as well as two of my friends from work. Temperatures are already pretty high this time of year, so we all went swimming and just goofed around and enjoyed ourselves. At one point I was sitting in the sand, watching Nico play with his cousins, and it reminded me of a birthday long ago.

On my tenth birthday my dad took me and my friends down to Torquay. Mum didn't come with us that day, said she had a headache. I didn't really care, I was too busy having a good time with my friends. We stayed out there all day long, running around and playing silly games. My dad was so good at coming up with these fantastic games that kept us going for hours on end. Shame I can't remember any of them now.

He even managed to bring along a birthday cake all in one piece. I still don't understand how he did that. He tried in vain to make the candles stay lit long enough for me to blow them out, but the wind was too strong so in the end we gave up and just ate the cake instead. At the end of the day he bundled five very sleepy girls in the back of his car and drove us home again. I always thought my dad was the strongest man I knew. Nothing ever seemed to cost him any effort at all. Which makes it even harder to believe that just over a year later he'd be gone from my life forever.

This is when it all became too overwhelming for me, and I started crying. I really didn't mean to, but I just couldn't hold back the tears any longer. George was immediately worried about me, and he tried to comfort me the best he could. I told him that this day reminded me of my dad taking me to the beach when I was younger, but nothing more than that. I haven't told George, or anyone else for that matter, much about my past. I'm not supposed to tell them about my real past, because it no longer exists. As far as everyone is concerned, Ruth Evershed is dead, and so is her past. But coming up with a complete legend feels as though I'm betraying my old life and who I once was, so I prefer not to say anything at all. It's easier that way, and at least I can't say the wrong thing and accidentally give myself away.

Anyway, George really did manage to cheer me up, and before I knew it I had pushed all my sad thoughts away and was joining in the fun again. George and his brother in law had even gone as far as dragging a barbecue all the way along the beach. So in the late afternoon when everyone's stomachs started rumbling from all the activities, we had a lovely barbecue overlooking the sea. We stayed out on the beach to watch the sunset, and when it started to get chilly we all packed up and headed home again. I never cared much for celebrating my birthday after my father died. It only ever reminded me of the fact that another year without him had passed. But this time had been different. This time I had really enjoyed my birthday for the first time in as long as I could remember. It had been a truly magical day.

When George dropped me home he realised he hadn't given me his present yet. It was a beautiful silver bracelet with a heart shaped charm hanging from it. The heart was inlaid with a beautiful blue stone, the exact colour of my eyes. It's why he picked it, he said. It truly is a beautiful bracelet. It's small, elegant and simple. He's a man of good taste.

Harry's a man of good taste, too. I wonder, purely hypothetically of course, what he would've bought me for my birthday, if I had still been in England, and if we had been together. I know it's no use, but I can't help wondering. I think it's a good sign that I'm able to think of him like this now. Right now it's just the endless chain of thoughts of a former analyst, and nothing more than that. That dull ache, that feeling of loss is still there, and I don't think it'll ever fully go away. But I think I'm finally learning to compartmentalise, and it's given me so much peace of mind. I can now think of Harry, and England, as something in a distant past. It's starting to become more like a very fond memory. One that I will cherish forever.

**TBC**


	8. Chapter 8

_Thanks again for all the sweet reactions I've received, I really love them :)  
This entry is early series 6 inspired, purely because I've been rewatching those episodes recently._

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18 May 2007

I've been very restless for the past couple of days. I know it has to do with that one story that keeps making the front page: the train bomb in Tehran. Now I don't even know why this news is troubling me so much, apart from the obvious reason of course which is the large number of civilian casualties. It's always the good, ordinary, hard-working people that suffer the most. Life can be really unfair sometimes.

But the reason why I'm so ill at ease is because I can't help feeling that there's more to it than meets the eye. Of course you can never believe just anything the media tells you, my years working for MI5 have taught me that much. We've spun some stories to the media in our time just to keep the focus away from what was really happening. And I'm sure that's exactly what's going on right now as well. It doesn't take a genius to figure out that something's wrong, and the analyst in me can spot these things a mile off. Nobody's allowed to come anywhere near the site of the bomb, and local authorities are being very secretive about what exactly has happened. It appears to be an insider's job, but I don't know…something just doesn't feel right. I just hope that nobody I know was involved in this or is hurt in any way.

And now in today's paper I've read that some sort of tropical virus has emerged in England, more specifically in the London area. Now I may be starting to become paranoid, but I wouldn't be surprised if there was a link between these two things. Perhaps it's just me being silly, but why would there suddenly be an outbreak of a virus that normally rarely occurs in this part of the world? I say it's got cover up written all over it in big neon letters.

These are moments in which I feel really frustrated to be sitting here, on my island, with nothing more pressing to do than to make sure that I file all my work on time and think of what to have for dinner tonight. I feel so insignificant and unimportant, whereas back in the day when I was still an analyst, I really used to thrive on these kind of days. Not because I like to see awful things happen or see people suffer, but because it gave me something to do, something to analyse, something that would actually help people, even if they didn't realise it. That's what I miss, so so much.

Today at work I couldn't concentrate at all. I couldn't help thinking about everyone back home. No, not back home, back in England. This is home now, although sometimes I really need to remind myself of that. I kept thinking about Harry, Adam, Zaf, Jo, Malcolm, even Ros. Without wishing to sound pessimistic I keep wondering if they're all still there, and if they're safe and doing well. I've seen so many people come and go in my time, until it was me who had to leave, so it wouldn't be strange to think that more people will have gone by now. And if they have, I hope it's of their own free will, and not because of something else which is more likely but which I can't bear to think about.

I used to be such an optimist, but I'm no longer like that. I wonder if it's the service that took it away from me, or if it's just part of the maturing process. I hope it's the former, because it means that I might be able to change back to how I was before, if I'm lucky enough.

**TBC**

**Please review xx  
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	9. Chapter 9

_I always get inspiration for new chapters at the strangest times. I came up with this while I was in the shower. (don't ask why, because I don't know :P) I still don't own anything, if I did Ruth would never have left and I wouldn't be here writing this fic!_

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10 July 2007

I'm going on holiday next week. Or rather, we are going on holiday next week. George, Nico and I. George asked me if I wanted to go on holiday with them this year. I said yes immediately. I feel like I'm ready for a break, and I think a few days away will do me good. We couldn't decide on where to go, so eventually George had the idea to ask Nico if there was a place he really wanted to go to. Nico said Italy, so that's where we'll be heading. We'll be staying in Tuscany for a week, but we'll also travel up to Rome. It's been years since I was there. I loved it, so I can't wait to go back. It'll be so exciting to show Nico all the ancient sites and buildings, and to tell them the stories behind them all. Nico's very interested in history, and as long as I make the stories interesting enough, with the odd battle thrown in, he'll listen to anything that I tell him. George has travelled quite a bit in his time, but he's never been to Rome either. So he's glad I know the city and can be their personal guide.

I think it'll be good to be away from my familiar surroundings for a bit. A change of scenery, a chance to relax and spend time with George and Nico without any interruptions or interferences. And of course the opportunity to do some travelling again. I always used to love that, but because of work I was always very restricted. There was never enough time, and I always had to think about where I could and could not go. It's so liberating to be able to just pack your bags and go, without having to go through stacks of paperwork and vetting etc before you could even book a ticket.

And yes, I do realise that I'm trying to emphasize the downsides of my previous job rather than the positive sides. I suppose that's what keeps me sane really. It's what keeps me going in times like these. Sometimes I can't help but compare my old life to my new one. And I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing. It's human nature, and even more so, it's part of who I am. I am an analyst, even if I'm no longer working as one.

But enough about that. There is a time for everything, but right now is not the time to be lamenting my previous life and job. I've lots of exciting things going on at the moment, and I will not allow them to be ruined by my agonising over what used to be. I've decided that I'm going into town tomorrow to do some shopping. I can't possibly go on holiday to a fashionable country such as Italy without some new clothes, now can I? Above all else I'm still a woman, and I know I may sound superficial, but I do care about how I look.

I'll also need to buy new tourist guides of Rome and Tuscany. The ones I had will be outdated by now, and in any case I don't have them with me anyway, so new ones are definitely in order. Perhaps I could start planning a few possible things for us to do while we're there. I'm sure both George and Nico will be really excited when I show them all the wonderful things we can do and see there. Here's to hoping that it will be a wonderful vacation.

**TBC**

**Please review :) xx  
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	10. Chapter 10

_Sorry for the massive delay in getting this chapter up! The end of term is fast approaching, and I've got a new job, so I've been extremely busy. But as a reward for your patience, here's a longer chapter than usual. Hope everyone's still enjoying this :) xx_

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23 July 2007

Italy was fantastic! It was such an amazing holiday, one of the best I've had in a very long time. The weather was hot, very hot. It didn't bother George and Nico very much, because the weather on Cyprus is pretty much the same. But I'm not used to the heat like they are, so for me it was quite challenging at times. Rome was just as beautiful as I remembered it. We spent 4 whole days there, mainly sightseeing and visiting museums. Rome is one of those cities that I would never grow tired of. I just love the architecture, the people, and the atmosphere and energy of the city in general. It did make me think of my conversation with Harry on our one and only date. Our discussion of Romanticism versus Atlanticism. It feels as though it happened a lifetime ago, when in fact it's only been a year and a half. Anyway, enough of that.

George was really impressed by everything he saw. He genuinely liked the city and all it had to offer, and I think he really liked the fact that I already knew the place and could show him all sorts of things. Nico liked it, too. I told him a few stories about the Roman empire which he found really fascinating. Much to my displeasure he was extremely fond of gladiator stories. I guess boys will be boys. But I think what he liked most of all was the ice cream. He couldn't believe how many flavours the countless ice-cream parlours had to offer. Luckily George limited Nico's ice-cream intake to once a day, otherwise I fear he would've been even more hyperactive and bouncy because of a constant sugar-rush.

It was nice, however, to be able to escape the city again after a few days. The heat was really getting to us, so it was nice to head southwards to Tuscany for a few more lazy days in the sun. For 7 days we did nothing more active than eat, sleep, lie on the beach and swim. It was heavenly. We had booked a lovely little apartment a mere 5 minute walk from the beach. The town we stayed in wasn't very big, so luckily there weren't that many tourists either. It was all rather unspoiled and lovely, and I enjoyed every second of it. It also gave me the chance to practice my Italian a bit. Regretfully I never spent enough time trying to learn it, so I'm far from fluent. But I can get by just fine, as long as the conversations don't get too complicated.

This whole vacation was perfect, almost too perfect in fact, until the second to last night. George and I were sitting on the balcony of our apartment late at night, sharing a glass of wine and enjoying the light summer breeze. Nico had long gone to be, so it was one of those rare moments when it was just the two of us. And then it happened. George asked me to move in with him. I was caught off-guard by this question. I was tongue-tied, just didn't know what to say. It would be lying if I said I hadn't seen this coming. I knew it was inevitable that at some point he would ask me this question, only I hadn't expected the moment to come so soon.

For a while I didn't say anything. It was an awkward silence. George was just waiting for me to say something, and I was trying desperately to come up with a suitable answer that wouldn't force me to commit to anything just now, but at the same time wouldn't hurt George's feelings too much either. My outward appearance remained calm, but inside I was terrified and feelings of blind fear and panic were threatening to overflow. I realised I had to say something, and quick, or else I would really ruin things between George and me.

Eventually I decided to be honest with him. I told him that I was touched and flattered, but that I just didn't know. I caught a glimpse of rejection and hurt in his eyes, but he didn't say anything. I told him I wasn't saying no, but that I had to think about it. He nodded and said he was glad I wasn't saying no. He kissed me on the cheek and told me to take as much time as I needed. It was very sweet and so typically George to do that, but I just know that anger and frustration was eating away at his insides, even though he would never let it show. He hides it very well, and I don't think most people would have even noticed the undercurrent of frustration and fear of rejection in his behaviour. But I'm still an analyst, so I notice these things.

I feel bad for George sometimes. He's so good to me, and I'm not treating him as well as he deserves to be treated. The next day we both tried to pretend as though nothing had happened, most of all for Nico's sake, but it just wasn't the same as before. Things were awkward between us, and I fear that Nico might have sensed it. It was disappointing to have to end the holidays like this. After all, up until that point it had been absolutely wonderful.

Sometimes I fear I'm only frustrating George, and overcomplicating his life. Which is why part of me just wants to say yes, because it's the least he deserves. But then again I'm afraid, no, terrified, of taking that next step. Because it's not just any kind of change, it is a life changing decision. If I agree to move in with George, it automatically means that we have reached a new level of commitment. It's a massive step forward, and I'm not sure if I'm quite ready to take that step. It's odd, because it feels as though I've got an alternative option, even though I don't actually have one. Moments like these make me think of Harry, and the life that might have been. But of course this is ridiculous. I fear Harry and I were never meant to be, and besides, I can never return to England anyway, so it's no use to even think about it.

But this doesn't bring me any closer to a solution to this problem. Perhaps I should just say yes. After all, it would mean that I'd get to live a very comfortable life. I'd be living in a beautiful house, with a man and a boy who both love me very much. What more could I possibly ask for?

But then there's that ever niggling sense of dread, of fear, in the back of my mind. And no matter how often and in how much detail I try to analyse the situation, I can't seem to be able to shake off that feeling. What on earth am I going to do?

**TBC**


	11. Chapter 11

_It's taken some time, but I finally managed to write a new chapter. This was written in the back of a car at 2.30 am yesterday, during a snow storm in the north of France, so any possible mistakes are due to that car ride from hell. If I'm not able to write and post the next chapter by the end of the week, this will be the last one before Christmas. So happy Christmas everybody, and thanks for reading :) xx_

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1 September 2007

It has taken me quite some time, but I have finally decided to move in with George. It has taken me ages to come to a decision, and if I'm honest it's one of the most difficult things I've ever had to do. George was absolutely ecstatic when I told him. However, I'm still not sure if I did the right thing. I'm still not sure whether it feels right or not, but I knew I just couldn't make him wait much longer. It just felt so unfair to keep him in the dark all this time, though of course I didn't do it on purpose.

He really caught me off guard when he asked me to move in with him during our holiday. It was such a sweet gesture, and I was definitely touched by it, but it frightened me immensely as well. It's such a big step, and I'm not sure if I'm ready for it. I didn't want to reject him, because I knew that it would break his heart, and also because I would throw away my one chance at happiness. Very selfish of me, I know, but it's the truth. It's the same old dilemma, once again rearing its ugly head. Should I be with him or not? Should I move in with him, or keep things the way they are?

I always get rather nervous when I'm faced with these kinds of dilemmas, and usually I opt for the easy way out. I'm sure this is why my relationships never worked out. And this is exactly why my 'relationship' or lack thereof with Harry ended before it had even begun. It seems so silly now, ending something that could have been something absolutely wonderful because of a bit of office gossip. I think this is one of the reasons why I decided to say yes to George. It's time for me to bite the bullet and just go for it.

I moved in 3 days ago, and things are still a bit tense. Nico's fine with it all. I used to be around all the time anyway, so he's hardly noticed the difference. But George and I are still trying to find our way around each other now that we're living in the same house 24/7. It didn't take me long to move out of my flat, since I don't have that many possessions. It's mainly clothes and books that I've bought since my arrival. No little keepsakes, no photo albums, no things from my past. These few meagre possessions are what define me now, they're all I have.

I sometimes wonder if George is curious about my past, since to him it appears that I don't have one. And if he's thought about it, I wonder why he's never confronted me about my lack of a past. To him it must seem as though I appeared out of nowhere one day. Or perhaps I'm just so perceptive that I can't imagine other people not noticing these things. Of course it is entirely possible that he's choosing to ignore all of this.

I do realise that I always seem rather negative when I write about George, but this is not the case, definitely not. He's such a good and kind man, and in another life I probably would have fallen in love with him instantly. The happy, bonkers, clumsy GCHQ Ruth wouldn't have been able to resist his charms, of that I'm sure. But I've too much baggage now, too much has happened over the years.

And then there's Harry. I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to love anyone else fully, to commit myself completely and utterly to one person, knowing that I never had a chance to find out if I could've made things work with Harry. This is one of those unanswered questions that I'll carry around with me for the rest of my life. It's the not knowing that's so terribly frustrating. Every time I think back to the moment that I told him there wouldn't be a second date, every time I remember that look of rejection and hurt in his eyes, I can just kick myself. Why do I have this terrible habit of cheating myself out of happiness? Why do I feel the need to punish myself like this?

Well one thing's for sure, I won't let it happen again. Not this time. This time I will make it work, and I will be happy. Eventually...

**TBC**


	12. Chapter 12

_I know I said I wasn't going to update again before Christmas. Well..I lied. And I've got a uni deadline at 6 pm today, so technically I should be working on that. Happy Christmas Eve everyone! xx_

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24 December 2007

It's Christmas again. I can't believe another whole year has passed. The same time last year, I remember it well. It was my first Christmas with George and his family. And this year will be our first proper Christmas as a couple, at _our _house. It still feels odd to say or write that, but it's true, it really is our house now. We bought some new furniture and some tiny bits and bobs over the past couple of months to make it more our home instead of George's home which I only moved into. And I have to admit that it really helped me settle in. It's no longer just a house to me, it's gradually becoming a home.

It's nice to have rediscovered that sense of security which I'd lost long ago. My little flat was ok, but it wasn't a home, far from it. It felt cold and impersonal and sterile, the exact opposite of my house in London. It was the first and only house I'd ever owned, and it was exactly how I wanted it to be. It looked exactly how I wanted it to look, and I felt comfortable and at home there. My own little safe haven.

Living with George seemed like such a massive and daunting step when he first asked me, and in the beginning I felt rather insecure and uncomfortable, but those feelings have long gone. I'm actually really glad that I pushed myself into taking this step, because it has outlived all my expectations. I love living with him. George's kindness is something I can't stress enough, because he really is an exceptional human being. His job is so stressful, yet he doesn't bring his work home with him. He's always loving and cheerful to both Nico and me when he comes home. The way he compartmentalises is admirable. In fact, in another life he would've been a great asset to the Security Services. Of course it's not all picture perfect. We do have the occasional row just like any other couple. But everything's normal and, most of all, simple.

My second Christmas on Cyprus already. I can't believe that pretty soon it'll have been two years since I came here. I have very mixed feelings about it all now. On the one hand it feels like only yesterday since I came here. But there's a part of me that feels as though I've been here for ages, that I've been living on this beautiful island and have been part of this loving family for as long as I can remember. Even though I still miss certain people back in England terribly, I have a feeling my preference is leaning in more and more towards Cyprus now. It's not that I never think about the life I had back there, and about what could have been. But these thoughts are few and far between now. It's not like it used to be when I'd be thinking of and pining for my old life on a daily basis. I've accepted it and moved on, or at least I'd like to think that I have.

It's ok now. I'm at peace with what's happened, and I'm committed to making the most of my life here. After all, in the end it was my own decision to sacrifice myself for Harry and the good of the country. It was my decision to leave, and I am now living with the consequences of that decision. And let's be fair, it could have been much, much worse. I have a good life, and I'm happy.

I suppose I should get a move on and start getting dressed. Even though it's early still, it's Christmas Eve and I have foolishly volunteered to be in charge of the cooking. What on earth was I thinking? I like cooking, and admittedly I'm rather good at it, but I'm not used to cooking copious amounts of food for so many people. Luckily Tina has kindly offered to help me with the preparations, and I'm sure George will lend a hand if I ask him nicely. He left about an hour ago to stock up on alcohol and I'm expecting him back any minute now. I'm sure he'll bring home enough supplies to last us well into the new year. Oh well, as long as everyone enjoys themselves that's all that matters, right? They can't drink too much tonight, because we do still need to go to church at midnight. Let's hope they'll all remember that, especially the men.

Speaking of going to church. Tonight I'll light a candle and think of my friends and colleagues back in England. I'll pray to whichever God that I'm not sure I believe in that they're safe and that they're happy. Because they deserve nothing less.

Merry Christmas.

**TBC**


	13. Chapter 13

_Ok so I last updated this story on..*checks*..Christmas Eve! I'm sooo sorry about the massive delay, but the plot bunny for this story had temporarily abandoned me. But it's back now, so expect more regular updates from now on. I know this chapter is again a bit gloomy and depressing, sorry about that. I'll try to make it a bit happier and more upbeat soon. In the meantime I hope you'll enjoy it anyway._

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21 March 2008

George and I have been fighting again. It seems to be happening quite a lot recently and I'm not even sure why. It seems we quarrel and fight about the most petty and insignificant things. Perhaps we've just arrived at one of the more bumpier moments in our relationship, because I'm not sure how else to describe it. I think a large part of our conflicts seem to stem from the fact that we both have certain frustrations that we don't share with each other, or anyone else for that matter.

I know where George's frustrations are coming from, because I am the main source of them. We've been living together for 7 months now, and generally things are just fine. I agreed to move in with him, but still I rejected his marriage proposal. Since then he has hinted at it a couple of times, but every time I've let him know in no uncertain terms that I'm not ready for it. To be honest I'm not sure if I ever will be, but of course I'm not telling him that. Another important issue is the feelings we have for each other and the ways in which we choose to express them. George doesn't often talk about his feelings, it's just not something he does very easily. He's the perfect example of someone who grew up in a Mediterranean macho culture, because that's exactly the way he behaves sometimes. Of course, underneath it all, he's the most sweet, kind, loving and caring man you could imagine, but he won't show any of that in public. He has told me he loves me, several times in fact, but thus far I've never said it back. I don't think I can say it back, because I know I'd be lying. In a way I absolutely love George, but I'm not in love with him. I never was, and I probably never will be.

He knows I loved someone else before him. He thinks I'm having a hard time letting go, but he's still convinced I will start loving him fully and unconditionally the moment I let go. But therein lies the problem: I'll never be able to fully let go.

And this is one of my main frustrations. Harry is the biggest one of all. I love him, always have and always will. It's really scary to admit it, even on paper. I'm not sure I would ever have dared to say it to his face. Not that any of it matters now. Even if I would muster up the courage someday it would be no use, because I'm never going to see him again anyway. It's been 2 years since I left, and not a day goes by when I don't ache for him, both physically and mentally. I know this is the biggest source of the problems between George and me. I love and respect him as a person in his own right, but he's not the love of my life. He'll never be remotely like anything that Harry is to me.

Looking at this rationally it's odd that I should feel this way. Because technically I've shared so much more with George than I've ever shared with Harry. I've never run up to him and kissed him senseless, just because I felt like it. We've never gone for a long walk on the beach. We've never been to the theatre together, sneaking out halfway because the play was too tedious to endure for a minute longer. We've never made love until sunrise because we were insatiable and couldn't keep our hands off each other.

And these are just a small percentage of all the things I daydream about doing with Harry, yet I know none of these will ever come true. Yet with George I know I can have all of this, and so much more. He loves me, fully and unconditionally. And I love him, in my own special way that is. It's not perfect, but it's something. It's not the something wonderful that was never said, but it'll have to do.

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**TBC**

**Please review! xx  
**


	14. Chapter 14

_As promised, a quicker update this time. And quite a long one too. Thanks so much for the lovely reviews for the previous chapter. This is a kind of songfic, which might not be to everyone's taste, but I hope you'll like it anyway._

_Ruth belongs to Harry, Harry belongs to Kudos, and *Exile belongs to Kate Rusby.  
_

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15 April 2008

George has gone away to a conference in Athens this weekend, and he's taken Nico with him because he'll be visiting his sister as well, so I've got the house to myself for once. The rain has been pouring down all day long so I spent most of my morning cleaning the house, because frankly I didn't have anything better to do. After that I spent some time browsing the internet, mainly to look for odd and interesting news articles. I do try to keep up with what's happening 'back home', partly because I just want to know what's going on in the world around me, and partly because old habits die hard.

And I did some online shopping as well. I mainly buy my books online, because in these two years since I moved here I still haven't been able to find a decent bookshop in the area. Buying online is very quick and very practical, but I do miss browsing around bookshops for hours on end, going through the books one by one to see if there's one in there that interests me.

After choosing my list of books carefully, I decided to have a quick browse through the CDs as well. One artist I particularly love is Kate Rusby, but her CDs are impossible to get around here. And this is when I stumbled across a song of hers that I'd never heard before. It's called _Exile, _ how appropriate.

It's unbelievable how a song can reflect your thoughts, feelings and state of mind so incredibly well. Because this song describes exactly how I feel, word by word.

_I feel a shadow passing over me  
that could stay forever more  
like a wave I'm breaking far in sea  
there's no one to hear the roar_

_and the days are drifting into seasons  
they're the hardest I have ever known  
a million spaces in the earth to fill but  
there's no going home  
no going home_

No matter what I do, in spite of being surrounded by people who love me, I still feel as though I'm all alone in the world. I feel as though I could scream out my frustration at the top of my lungs, and nobody would hear me. The days pass by quickly, they sort of mould together, and before I know it another month, or even another year has passed. It's a very strange feeling. It's as if I'm not consciously part of the life I'm leading, but as if I'm on the outside looking in. And all the while there's only one certainty: the fact that I'm never going home. This is my home now.

_and I can dream before the break of day  
that I'm back with you again  
then the morning blows it all away  
and leaves an echo of your name_

I dream of England a lot, and very vividly as well. I dream about things that happened in the past, and often about what might have been. But mostly I dream of Harry. When I wake up I can never remember much of my dreams, the moment I open my eyes the details start fading fast. But Harry's presence lingers on. I always know when he has been in one of my dreams, because by the time I awake he has left behind a gaping hole in my heart. And there's nothing or nobody that can fill the void.

_and still a thousand miles lies between us  
and we're waking up alone  
what if I could cross a hundred borders  
there's no going home  
no going home_

There are thousands of miles between us, yet I still feel closer to him than to anybody else, even closer than to George when he's lying next to me in bed. I feel horrible for admitting this, for even feeling like this, but it's the truth. I do wish I could cross those hundred borders, but I know I can't. There is no going home.

_when the thunder breaks the empty sky  
I shall be there  
no one to hold you when the storm birds fly  
is there no one left to care_

_and searching rumours with my hollow plans  
when all I wanted is what's mine  
I'm lost and lonely in this foreign land  
I'm left too far behind the lines_

All I wanted is what's mine. I know I was a coward when I turned down a second date with Harry. I should have been braver. But then again, perhaps it would have made our goodbye even more difficult. I guess now we will never know. Our love for each other, yes even though I asked him to leave it unsaid, I know it's love, and I know the feeling is mutual. That love is ours, and ours alone. I only want what's mine, and I'm sure Harry feels the same. It seems such a simple thing, yet it is the most complicated of all. And I am lost and lonely in this foreign land. I'm surrounded by people who love me, yet I still feel lonely. It doesn't seem right, does it? I mean, consciously I know that I should feel happy. And I do feel happy, to a certain extent. But there's always something niggling in the back of my mind, and I feel lost because of it.

_I want to tear down these walls between us  
and I can't make it alone  
a million spaces in the earth to fill  
and here's a generation waiting still_

_We've got year after year to kill  
but there's no going home_

I do wish I could tear down the walls, and not just the ones between Harry and me. I'm talking about the walls that stand between me and George as well. Because of the feelings I still harbour for Harry, I can't let George in. At least not fully. It's not fair on either of us, and certainly not on him. And I do feel sorry for that, but I don't know what to do about it. I wish it were an easy thing to change, but it's not. You just can't control the way you feel. I do have year after year to kill in this life. I hope that at some point it'll no longer feel as 'time to kill', because I don't want to feel as though I'm wasting the rest of my life. I ought to make something of it, and enjoy it as much as I possibly can. There is no going home, and I need to acknowledge that fact, move on, and be happy.

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**Thanks again for reading. Please review :) xx**


	15. Chapter 15

**I know I said I woulnd't make you wait very long for an update. Well, I guess I lied. I hope people are still enjoying this though and that it's still worth continuing with :)**

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30 April 2008

Yesterday was my 38th birthday. I hadn't really planned on celebrating it at all. It was a Tuesday so I had to work anyway, and like I've said before, birthdays aren't really my thing because they remind me of the fact that another year has passed, and because it means I've lived for yet another year without my dad. Soon it'll be 27 years since he passed away and yet it still hurts as if it only happened yesterday.

When my day at work was drawing to a close George sent me a text, saying that he'd be running a bit later than usual and that I'd best go home without him. It didn't really matter to me because it had been a tiring day and all I wanted to do was curl up on the sofa with a cup of tea (how very English). But when I arrived home a huge surprise awaited me. George, his sisters and brother in law, his cousins and Nico were all waiting for me, and I was greeted by a chorus of Happy Birthday. It was such a wonderful and unexpected surprise, and it was very touching. George's family is probably the warmest I've ever met in my life, and the way they've welcomed me into their close-knit family unit is truly heart warming. I absolutely adore every single member of his family, especially his sisters. They're like the sisters I so desperately wished for as a child.

George gave me a silver necklace. It's very plain and simple, but beautiful. He really has good taste, because it goes with nearly all the clothes I own. Nico made me a bracelet out of shells he found on the beach. He made it all by himself and he was very proud of himself for doing so. I'll wear it as often as I can because I know it'll make him happy, even though it itches as hell. Nico is such a thoughtful and attentive little boy, which isn't surprising because he takes after his father in every possible way. He's inherited his looks and his charms, as well as his attentiveness and loyalty. They're very good traits which you don't often find all in one person. I still can't believe Nico's mother walked out on them when he was just 6 months old. How someone is able to walk out on their own baby is something I will probably never be able to understand. And walking out on George as well. He says he has changed a lot since that time, that fatherhood changed him. I believe that, I believe that fatherhood has probably softened him. But it can't have been such a big turnaround. I know George, and he's such a caring and loving man, so I find it hard to believe that once upon a time he wasn't like this. Yes, he has a bit of a temper from time to time, but most Southern European men do, it's in their nature. It's a kind of temperament that British men don't have, and it took me a while to get used to, but it's really not that bad. Besides, I can hold my own in an argument, and so far we haven't had any big confrontations, mainly just quarrels about insignificant things.

Anyway, the rest of my birthday was absolutely lovely. We had dinner outside on the patio, and we just sat outside and chatted and drank wine until after midnight. I love this terribly laidback lifestyle the Cypriots have. Everyone had to work again the next day, but they all stayed until the small hours of the morning, just relaxing and enjoying themselves. Even though it was a very simple one, this is a birthday I'm not likely to forget anytime soon. It was just the way I like it. No big parties with tonnes of people you won't be able to talk to all in one evening, with loud music, far too much alcohol, and a huge mess to clean up afterwards. I prefer to keep my celebrations small and simple, and this was just that.

This morning I did kind of regret those last two glasses of wine I had. My head was pounding and I really wished I could stay in bed all morning. But alas, I had to get ready for work and make sure Nico had his breakfast and that he'd get to the school bus in time. I hadn't been this hung-over since our liquid lunch at The George after the EERIE exercise. Not that I've had a lot of experience with hangovers over the years, but that was by far the worst one I've ever experienced. A few glasses of wine and champagne on an empty stomach after that hell we went through certainly did the trick. The hangover I had this morning really paled in comparison to that one.

George didn't look much better this morning either. I did see that one coming to be honest. Once he and his brother in law start talking and drinking you just know it's going to end badly. Let's just hope he hasn't prescribed his patients any wrong medication. I wouldn't be surprised, considering the state he was in when he left the house this morning. I'm sure everything will be fine come tomorrow morning though. And, I have to admit that my hangover was worth it. Yesterday evening outlived all my expectations. I really felt like I belonged, and it's not a feeling I've experienced very often in my life. It's an amazing feeling and I can't really describe it. I can only hope that, as time progresses, I will get to experience it more often.

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**Thanks again for reading. Please review!**


	16. Chapter 16

**Thank you all so much for the lovely reviews, again! A quicker update this time, as promised. Just a couple more chapters to go now I think :)**

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2 June 2008

I just knew that at some point in the near future, my past would come back to haunt me. And that moment has now arrived. It's just one of those moments that seem impossible to get out of, and I really don't know what I should do. George suggested we'd go on a last minute holiday, all three of us. We hadn't made any real plans for the summer so far. We had decided to stay at home and take Nico on a couple of day trips, because it could be just as much fun as going abroad. But apparently Nico has been begging George to take him on holiday somewhere. And this is not what bothers me, I mean, why would it? It's just the destination George suggested that made my blood run cold. As it turns out Nico has always wanted to visit England, and more specifically London. When George suggested we'd go on a trip to London I was gasping for breath, that's how shocked I was. He, of course, didn't understand why I reacted the way I did. He asked me if I was feeling alright, but I couldn't catch my breath, let alone speak. This just couldn't be happening. How on earth was I going to explain this to him without giving anything away?

I started off by saying that I didn't want to go because I had left behind too many painful memories in London. Unfortunately this didn't work, because he told me he'd be there for me to support me, that he'd be with me every step of the way. Which is so very sweet of him of course, but in my situation it isn't going to get me very far, unfortunately. I then told him that I really couldn't go to London at all, that it would be impossible for me. So then George suggested that we'd visit other places in England, and that he'd take Nico on a day trip to London without me. Of course I can't blame him for trying to come up with a solution, and it's understandable that he was starting to lose his patience when I, once again, told him that wasn't possible.

How on earth could I ever set foot in the UK ever again, even with a new identity? I have worked with facial recognition programmes for far too long to even dare and take that risk. I just know that at some point, somewhere, someone will single me out and then all hell will break loose. And I just can't let that happen, no matter what. I gave up everything, I gave up my job, my life, to make sure that Harry could stay right where he was. And I will do everything in my power to make sure that this situation does not get jeopardised, not by me or anyone else.

But of course, quite understandably, George didn't understand. He has no idea of what I'm on about, and why it is absolutely impossible for me to travel to the UK at all. As far as he's concerned I emigrated because I just wanted a fresh start somewhere else. I did tell them that I'd had some nasty experiences back home, but I never went into detail about any of it. I feel so horrible for lying to him, but I know that I can never tell him the truth. I'm sure he'd hate me for it if he knew. He'd probably go right off me if he knew that I'm not really the uncomplicated, straightforward, 'what you see is what you get' type of woman. Because that's the role I play every single day of my life. To a certain extent it's very relaxing, but keeping up appearances does get rather tiring after a while. If only there were an easy solution, but there isn't.

We just had a big row about the holiday issue, and I'm not sure how to solve the problem. Either I could suggest another holiday destination altogether, and hope that they'll like it as well. Or I should just let them go off together and stay at home all by myself. It's not how I had imagined spending the summer this year, but I can't get my limitations get in the way of their plans and wishes. It's just such a complicated matter, and I really am not sure what's the best way to deal with it.

If they do decide to go without me, I'll be happy for them but of course I'll be very jealous as well. What I wouldn't give to be in London one last time, to just walk around and take in the sights, the sounds, even the smell. I thought that if I ever got homesick it would just be because of my house and my cats, but I was wrong. I miss the city itself as well. Just the thought that I'll never in my life be able to see London with my own eyes again is one that fills me with intense sadness. I would do anything to go back there just once. But I'm afraid it's just not possible, and that's one of the consequences of my exile that I'm still learning to cope with.

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**Please review xx**


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